Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
