So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
