Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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