Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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