Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
