I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
