im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Banned from zoo.
Again?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
