Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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