dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
