just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
