You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
