omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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