Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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