If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You should frame my arrest warrant.
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