Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
