So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
