You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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