I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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