So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
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Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
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You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.