right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
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We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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