yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
