carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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