She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
