I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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