i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
