Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
