turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
