Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
