1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
