so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it was like eating out sand paper
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
is it fun? or sober?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
