Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The best revenge is premature balding
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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