i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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