I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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