Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
