could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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