There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
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But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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