Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
