Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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