I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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