Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
