why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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