she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
