I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
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the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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