Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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