did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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