I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
