Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
