If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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