i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
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i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
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This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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