I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
