i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You're earring is so big in my mouth
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
