Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
They have beer where we have blood.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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