Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
