Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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