Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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