i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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