So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
