glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
