Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
