Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
