Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
