I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
