Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Sext me about skeletons
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
