yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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