so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
